Pheonix's Joke thread!!! damn skippy it's mine!!

But others can post jokes here too.

A 3 YEAR OLD

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my
brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half
years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had
beenbroken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of
myfavorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in
the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when
Ibrought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my
Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me
bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to
him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can
reach to get water is the toilet??'

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in our garden.

A man's wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he had stayed by her bedside every single day.

One day, she motioned for him to come nearer. He leaned in towards her.

She whispered, eyes full of tears:

"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When I started my business and it failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" he gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck; get the fuck away from me."

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy
a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman
assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I
apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse
and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these
excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties
and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could
no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
she asked. I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you‘re mine.'

Here is a great explanation of how to invest wisely.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank it all, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to de bunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get your drunken butt off the merry-go-round. *

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the U.S.and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run! Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run, will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run, will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"